A Modest Proposal for Our Community

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In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote “A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public” — in which he suggested impoverished Irish parents sell their children to the wealthy to be eaten as delicacies.

In our community, too, desperate times call for desperate measures. Our plight is not a surplus of young, delicious children; rather it’s a scarcity of young adults that threatens to sap the region of its vitality. In that spirit, please consider my own modest proposal.

First, the time has come to tap the strategic reserve of perhaps our most abundant natural resource: guilt. We are sitting on a gold(berg)mine of guilt — guilt so bountiful that it goes almost unnoticed.

And we’ve barely tapped this veritable oyl well. Certainly, guilt has proven successful in securing weekly phone calls and visits for High Holidays and Passover, but it could do so much more.

Parents and grandparents, arise (slowly now) and unleash guilt! Tell your scions, “We’re not getting any — (cough … wheeze) — younger” and that, for everything you’ve done for them over the years, all you ask is they stay in town; or, if they’ve sheepishly strayed from the herd, to move home already.

Mind you, we should still aspire to send our young to the finest institutions of higher education. But once there, they must systematically target weak-willed future mates whose strained relationships with their own parents will make them amenable to settling here. Fortunately, this group — like gefilte fish a barrel — is easily marked; they congregate overwhelmingly in the Greek system.

Second, we need to spark economic activity so those guilt-ridden souls succeed here — and here alone. I speak of matrimony’s twisted sister/evil twin — less celebrated, but just as valuable — divorce. As profitable as weddings are, in all their massively monetized momentary merriment, the large-scale dissolution of those marriages will have our recession receding faster than you can say, “Till debt do us part.”

Terminating marriages that have not already come to their natural, lucrative end will double the demand for everything from appliances and sofa beds to Chanukah presents and — most importantly — real estate.

Lest we run the risk of our dearly divorced ditching Detroit, we need only ensure that those who are still stubbornly married have children — the younger the better — before they untie the knot.

Finally, what will keep our elderly, who have such power to induce guilt, and our young people, who are so susceptible to it, from seeking refuge in sunnier climes? Using the same determination that put a man on the moon, and a nerd in the state capital, we will do the only thing we can: make Michigan warmer.

Luckily, we’re already on our way. Let’s resolve to redouble our efforts and turn up the heat on Michigan’s future: Drive ever-larger vehicles, generously heat your un-insulated homes and let all trashcans runneth over. As a bonus, we’ll hasten the submersion of those coastal cities kids today seem so find so “hot” right now. It’s time, once and for all, to put an end to the old saw: “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”

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