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Homeland Security to Terrorists: “In Your Face!”

Rep. Peter King (R-N.Y.), chairman of the U.S. House Homeland Security Committee, recently held a controversial hearing to target what is an undeniable fact: Anybody who didn’t vote for the current House majority party — or doesn’t love Pat Boone — is likely an extremist.

The focus of the hearing was the Muslim-American community and its reluctance to publicly acknowledge their hatred of everything this country stands for — including freedom from government tyranny. As proof of his allegation, Rep. King offered the lack of a unified response from the members of an entire religion to condemn violent acts committed by radical Islamists.

The failure to take out ads in all major media markets should not be ignored. “[They’re] not willing to speak out and condemn this type of radicalization that is going on,” King told CNN.

Some of the more interesting facts that emerged from the hearing include:

• Muslims really long to join the Moonies.
• Muslims refuse to call the singer Yusuf Islam by his Christian name, Cat Stevens.
• Muslims hate cats; and anyone named Steven.
• Muslims have single-handedly kept the city of Dearborn, Mich., solvent.

Many observers on Capitol Hill are bracing for what could be an ongoing inquiry, only rivaled in effectiveness to that of former Sen. Joseph McCarthy (R-Wis.) in the 1950s.

Critics claim it’s a throwback to the worst practices of other government-sponsored witch-hunts, including the House Un-American Activities Committee, which chased down U.S. citizens refusing to believe that Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon really were just playing bingo on that blanket.

King has vehemently defended himself, telling CNN, “I have no choice, I have to hold these hearings; and these hearings are absolutely essential.” He added that it’s “the right thing to do,” and that sometimes the least popular policies are the best.

Editor’s Note: We trust it obvious this is a satirical piece.



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