If These Creeps Hit You Up, Run … Fast!

Newsroom

Newsroom

What do you get when you spend a lot of time inside bars? Other than alcoholism, you also gain an expert perspective on “bar people.” While navigating the world of J-Date and Frumster.com can be complicated (tip: Avoid anyone flashing a peace sign in his profile picture!), there are definitely certain “types” of guys who troll the bar scene looking for hook-ups who should be avoided. Having logged quite an amount of bar time in my day, I’ve compiled this handy list of bar characters to steer clear of:

The Lone Boozer
These are the people at whom you make the mistake of shooting a friendly smile because you didn’t notice their crazy eyes until it was too late. The next thing you know, they’ll invite themselves to your table and regale you with stories of the good old days, like back when they had friends to go to the bar with them.

Lone boozers are alone for a reason. They are either socially stunted weirdoes or going through such a rough time they don’t even notice how embarrassing it is to drink alone at the bar. Either way, they are not fun bar mates.

People Who Yell, “Woo!” and “Shots!”
These idiots are probably 19 and definitely obnoxious. Associating with them will only lead to trouble, least of which will be a popped eardrum. What is so amazing at the bar that it’s necessary to scream, “Woo!” every 30 seconds? If merely being at the bar is that exciting to these loudmouths, imagine how dull their lives must be. They also have terrible taste, will probably request Katy Perry and then scream, “Woo!” when it plays.

You’ll have to down a steady stream of booze to hang with this crew, as they know that pounding “Shots!!!!!” is the only way they can be tolerated. Unless you like monster hangovers, avoid these characters like the plague.

People Who Are Cute Only in Dim Light
These characters are the bar equivalent of Facebook friends who only post photos of themselves from deceptively flattering angles. They are incredibly easy to spot as they always situate themselves in dim corners of the bar. Usually wearing a hat or a deep, face-obscuring side part, they sit like wily crocodiles waiting for their prey (drunks with diminished vision or people who left their glasses home in an attempt also to be cute in dim light).

Mingling or — heaven forbid — going home with one of these shadow people will result in such a wave of shame once the sun rises, your immediate impulse will be to return to the bar and drink away your sorrows. This puts you at risk of again falling into this trap and thus starting a vicious cycle of regret.

Mr. Dressed-to-Impress
These are the creeps who inexplicably wear a suit in the bar. They are trying to convey how very highfalutin and important they are; but if that were the case, wouldn’t they just be that way instead of trying desperately to appear so?

The dressed-to-impress guy is an uptight buzzkill who sucks in the sack and will frown disapprovingly at your comfortable flannel pajamas. He uses his fancy suits as a mask for his miserable personality. Unless you enjoy getting snide judgments, nervous stomachaches and anxiety diarrhea, stay far away from this one, ladies.

The Sexual Dancer
Sexual dancers span all demographics. Middle-aged bump-n-grinders are usually having a post-divorce midlife crisis and desperately trying to prove they’ve still got it. Don’t get yourself mixed up in that mess. Male sexual dancers are chronic cheaters. All are out to find a mate, but you do not want to mate with these people. If skanky dance moves are what they’re offering, they must not have much else to recommend them. Never in the history of bars has a person who gets on the dance floor to “get it on” demonstrated his good character.

Avoiding these standard bar characters will keep unnecessary pain, strife, barf, shame – and the risk of catching crabs – out of your life. Of course, you could simplify even further and abide by my abridged list of characters to avoid: All of them.

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