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It’s Your Independence Day Baby

How to dump a jerk in time for the Fourth of July.

The Fourth of July is nigh, which means it’s the season for pounding back hot dogs, boozing on boats and celebrating the spirit of Independence Day by dumping your crappy boyfriend (or girlfriend) and rolling solo.

Still, it can be difficult to put the kibosh on a dead relationship, especially when the other person is really good at mowing the lawn — and you get anxiety at the thought of dating again.

Fret not, loves, because I’ve blown through enough rotten romances to compile this handy list of the best ways to shake off a bad relationship — like a flea.

«Quit that mess cold turkey. Breakups should be like tearing off a Band-Aid: quick, painless and, hopefully, done without ripping out any hair. People often make the mistake of staying connected on Facebook or keeping the ex’s number saved. However, moving on requires having the dignity and self-esteem necessary to attract a plethora of rebound hookups. After all, you’ve got some catching up to do!  Delete the ex from your life so you can finally focus on what’s most important: Kissing people you actually like.

«Tie up loose ends before doing the deed. Nothing can put a dark cloud over a holiday weekend like realizing mid-burger that your ex — whom you just erased from every social network, phone and buddy list — still has your 1996 No Doubt concert T-shirt or favorite toenail clippers.
It’s much easier to replace a boyfriend or girlfriend than it is your vintage copy of the Thriller album, so handle this business with care. You can either let it go, and thus part with a cherished treasure, or stoop to asking for the item back and run the risk of your ex having used it for taking care of certain bodily functions. (Warning: This is a legitimate possibility, as I can attest!)

«Don’t try to be friends in an attempt to alleviate your “Dumper’s Guilt.” Nobody who has recently been dumped accepts an offer of friendship without hoping it will turn back into a relationship, and then doing annoying things to try to make that happen.

Nothing can turn a dumper’s bored indifference to burning hatred faster than a few weeks of being “friends.”  You’ll check your phone, hoping the latest text is from your rebound babe, but see a “friendly” message from your buzzkill ex.

You’ll say to yourself, “Ugh, didn’t I get rid of you?” but then remember you’re now obligated as a “friend” to be nice instead of saying, “BUZZ OFF!” like you want to do.

Your resentment will build until finally you snap and cut ties — like you should have done all along — but now you’ll have to find something to do with the creepy John Mayer and Michael Buble CDs he left in your mailbox as a “friendly” gesture.

«Timing is key. Are you worried the dumpee might take the news badly and try to murder you or, worse, “talk”? Do you have Fourth of July plans that involve being at a remote cottage with no cell phone service?

If so, do your dumping right before and then escape to the cottage while everything blows over. Attention spans are short these days (thanks, Twitter!) so the poor chump will probably forget about it by the time you return.

If, however, the soon-to-be-dumped has a cool boat or cabin, or mad grilling skills, obviously wait until after the weekend has passed so you can still get in on that.
From munching on burgers to water skiing to popping illegal fireworks, there is simply too much fun to be had over the Fourth of July weekend to leave room for a bad relationship.

Let the spirit of Independence Day inspire you with the courage to break free of your relationship shackles and be reborn as an independent singleton, like the Founding Fathers would have wanted.  RT



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