What’s not to love about the High Holidays, other than having to see your weird Uncle Morty, who has sweaty palms and smells like mothballs? The shofar’s heralding a new year and, of course, fasting. Who doesn’t giddily crave going 25 long, delirious hours without delicious, delicious food? Can’t we just send God an Edible Arrangement, and call it good?
Think you can skip this year since you didn’t transgress? Think again, friends. Gina has compiled a list of sins you might have forgotten about. If any of the following apply to you, which surely one does, perhaps you should consider doing that fast after all.
10. You were so distracted fixing your hair driving to temple during your “Must Look Good So I Can Snag a Mate” phase that you ran over a squirrel.
9. You totally had a dollar bill in your hand while heading for the tip jar; then you noticed no one was even watching so you put it back into your pocket.
8. You watched the caterer get fired after feigning food poisoning and barfing on the dance floor at your cousin’s bar mitzvah, but you really were just wasted after doing multiple shots at the open bar.
7. Your J-Date profile says you earn $100k a year, but fail to specify it’s in Monopoly money and not actual dollars.
6. You can name the last two winners of Dancing with the Stars but not your two U.S. senators.
5. You sneezed, didn’t wash your hands and then shook someone else’s.
4. You failed to clean up a deposit after walking Fido and then laughed when your sister came home livid after “stepping in dog poop that some jerk didn’t pick up.”
3. You told Mrs. Goldberg you couldn’t date her son because you’re celibate, but really it’s because he’s bald.
2. You told your wife you would be working late — while really planning on working late at the gym.
1. You’ve never laughed at anything in The Gina Monologues.
I hate to be the one to break the news: Any of the above sins are worthy of a fast. Let’s atone together, wipe the slate clean and start fresh, for we’ve got a whole new year of mistakes ahead of us! L’shanah tovah, my darlings.