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The End of Days – Bring It On

Five reasons why I’ll take the Apocalypse over New Year’s Eve.

It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!” Perhaps R.E.M. front man Michael Stipe was looking on the bright side of the apocalypse: No more New Year’s Eves! As 2011 draws to a close, and apparently the end is nigh, it’s comforting to know that humanity can rally around two constants: pizza is delicious and New Years Eve is the worst. Here are five reasons why the end of the world beats celebrating New Year’s Eve:

Remember being 9 and working so hard to train for the ultimate third grade athletic feat: burping the alphabet? And finally, after months of rigorous preparation, you achieved this talent. You told everyone, and it was going to be so awesome, and they should totally watch you do it so you could blow their minds. And then everyone said, “OK, blow our minds!” Then, suddenly the anticipation was so overblown — and expectations so high — you froze, never to burp the alphabet again.

New Years Eve is a big, fat fizzled burp. It’s so hyped up, where everyone is so hell-bent on making the last day of the year amazing — that even if Michael Jackson shouted “SHAMONE!” and moon walked on your face — the night could never, ever meet your expectations.

Whatever you do is bound to disappoint in contrast with your high hopes unless, of course, you’re hoping for the apocalypse.

Unless you’re one of the privileged few who is mated, the closer the clock ticks toward midnight, the more anxiety you’ll have wishing the world would hurry up and end. For most of us, the choice comes down to whether we should spend the first seconds of the New Year feeling unloved and embarrassed, or possibly contracting Herpes Simplex 1 from a meaningless kiss with a stranger.

There is a 100 percent chance that if you choose to remain within the boundaries of the Great Lake State on Dec. 31, stepping outside for even a moment will likely result in your snot to freeze.

If you’re a responsible reveler and plan to avoid the terrible drunk drivers and icy roads by walking to your destination, well, good luck finding a bouncer to let you in with icicles dripping from your nostrils.

The best holidays are joyous occasions spent eating and boozing in a cozy home with our closest family members, the people we love most. Now, think of New Year’s Eve, which is typically spent boozing in a gross bar chock-full of obnoxious drunk strangers, a few of them barfing, most of them yelling — all of them awful.

Worse yet, some of them will be wielding horns. HORNS! It’s practically as bad as being in a room filled with 1,000 screaming babies! Who wouldn’t prefer a little apocalypse over listening to hundreds of drunken buffoons blow their plastic horns?

“It’s freezing, and I’m surrounded by skeeze muffins and snausages,” you lament, but then decide to drink into a celebratory stupor and become blissfully unaware of how terrible New Year’s Eve is.

Not so fast, hotshot. Drinking the amount of alcohol necessary to make New Year’s Eve bearable suddenly becomes $7 billion times more expensive than it would be any other night of the year.

Some say the world will end in fire, others say in ice. I say, “who cares” as long as it happens in time for me to skip out on New Year’s Eve. Just in case it doesn’t, though, I propose this year we all abandon this horrid holiday. R.S.V.P. “Hell to the no” to those insensate Facebook invites — stay home, order pizza and do absolutely nothing. And, should the world make it another year, at least we wouldn’t have to hear any Pink songs for a night. And hey, pizza!



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