New Words For Your Consideration
According to a man with a beard on the Internet, Shakespeare invented more than 1,700 words. I am no Shakespeare — on my best day I’m scarcely a Marlowe — but I think we are due for some new words. There are just too many things that need describing, and so many existing words have been ruined by their usage in the SAT, the prefix Mc- or appearance in the Twilight books.
Here, humbly submitted for your liberal and learned use, are some new words:
sneer•sigh•ted adj., state of visual impairment requiring glasses in order to make the wearer look intellectual.
Written: Once Jamie started taking grad-level classes, he became sneersighted out of fear of seeming like an unrefined undergraduate.
Example: “The liner notes on this Radio Head LP are so small. Let me get out my horned-rimmed reading glasses.”
park•sim•ity noun, the real estate premium placed on nearness to public green spaces as an alternative to large backyards.
Written: The empty nesters cherished the parksimity of their new condo, though they were not accustomed to bagging their dog’s poop.
Spoken: “Check the parksmity, yo! Bro, mow no mo’.”
try•mes•ter noun, an abnormally challenging and motivated school term, often preceding or following a semester abroad.
Written: The student economized his time during the trymester by actually attending class.
Spoken: “Don’t worry — the first trymester is the hardest. Just don’t forget about the pass-fail deadline.”
wear•y•on verb, a cost-saving alternative to checking bags on discount airlines.
Written: The grad student opted to wearyon his luggage, appreciative that the wedding was black-tie optional — and so was the 10K.
Spoken: “Word to the wise: Wearyon or Spirit Airlines will haunt your trip.”
de•duc•ti•blow noun or verb, a misfortune made all the more regrettable by the fact that the out-of-pocket costs negate the benefit of having had insurance in the first place.
Written: The driver’s catlike reflexes avoided totaling his car but dealt a deductiblow when the degree of damage did not justify making a claim.
Spoken: “How much is the tetanus shot going to cost me? This deductiblows.”
freuxt noun, message in which typo or autocorrect reveals the subconscious desire of the sender.
Example: “Just a mother day in paradise.”
dai•le•schew verb, abstaining from traditional news coverage and instead discerning current events based on the satirical coverage thereof.
Written: She daileschewed the second presidential debate but was nonetheless eager to be in one of Mitt Romney’s women binders — just not as much as Justin Verlander’s.
Spoken: “Daileschew foxnewscation.”
fun•up verb, attempting inappropriately to interject humor into another’s anecdote.
Written: While she appreciated her friend’s sense of humor, she didn’t appreciate the way he funupped her Thanksgiving story with the imagery of a chimpanzee flinging its feces.
Example: “You think that’s crazy? I was at the same bachelor party, and my stripper didn’t even pretend to be a woman.”
fon•tas•tro•phe noun, a message, flyer or other written communication, the content of which is undermined by wanton abuse of typeface, size, color, alignment and/or margins.
Written: Dan’s open letter lambasting LeBron lost much of its gravitas from the fontastrophe of Comic Sans.
Example: “Dan, thanks for an unforgettable day at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame. P.S. Your emails sometimes make me want to play for a different team. Sincerely, LeBron”