The Polar Vortex: A Conspiracy Theory

Newsroom

Newsroom

Mark Twain once said, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it,” a statement so truly false — and not just because it was actually Charles Dudley Warner who actually said it or because there is incontrovertible scientific evidence that humans are the cause of global warming, which is happening even though it hasn’t been hot and/or humid in forevrer — seeing as there is a vast conspiracy of co-conspirators …

… conspiring for their mutual benefit by way of and our immeasurable loss at the mercy of the Polar Vortex (Polar Vortex! a term that seemed like Sharknado or wardrobe malfunction when we first started hearing it until we were graced with 76.4 inches of snow — and counting — surpassing the record set in 1981-82, the winter in which I was born and, as such, have limited recollection of the precipitation), a conspiracy so audacious and lacking in subtlety that the icy roads can be the only thing keeping us from storming the meteorological Bastille — that and the Winter Olympics …

… which we had no alternative but to watch since shoveling our driveways has become an Olympic sport unto itself, even though the games took place in a country that has been a historical enemy of democracy and is a current enemy of gay rights and that the non-live live coverage, for those of us who cut costs this winter by cancelling both our snow plow and cable services, subjected us to unending advertisements …

… for The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon, with whom I shared a stage in New York at the 2006 Do Something! Awards, during which he earned my unending esteem for properly pronouncing my last name with the mnemonic device that it rhymes with Gaelic — convenient, when you consider U2 performed on his premiere episode when, in fact, it is Scotland that will vote in a Sept. 18 referendum on whether to become independent from the United Kingdom …

… and McDonald’s, who would have you believe that chomping down on a McNugget is tantamount to biting into a gold medal, even as gold exceeds $1,300 per ounce and McNuggets exceed 20 for $5, and the 75 percent of your daily allotted sodium contained therein could be much better allocated to melt the snow on the sidewalk so the mailman could bring a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon so you could buy a replacement snow shovel and a panini maker as long as you’re there …
… and Coca Cola, whose (polar!) bears are getting their own feature film …

… and Procter and Gamble, who claims your face can enjoy their five-blade Gillette Fusion ProGlide Razor “for about $1/week* (* “Based on four shaves per week over average cartridge use”), which would mean each $4 cartridge would have to last a month, which would only work if you shave once every four weeks, which you might since you’re afraid of putting your hand near your
eye …
… lest you contract a Russian strain of conjunctivitis like Bob Costas did in Sochi, even as he or, failing that, Procter and Gamble inspired you to inspire or, failing that, pressure your kids to become Olympic athletes by taking them skiing or, failing that, sledding, and taking footage of them on Super 8 film or, failing that, Instagram with a vintage filter …

… that can later be used in an advertisement starring them in the Olympics in which they are competing, but it’s so cold and you are so eager to leave the house that you decide to go sit still in a cool dark room at the movies and, not to be outdone by NBC/Comcast/GE and their Olympic coverage, ABC/Disney has you seeing — again, as one small step on the inevitable thousand mile journey to the Sunshine State to Disney World — a movie literally called Frozen that literally includes Michigan’s own Kristen Bell melodically singing the line “You’ve kind of set off an eternal winter … everywhere,” a quote that, in time, will be attributed to Mark Twain. RT

Ben Falik
-Written by Ben Falik
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