Let’s be honest, and most of us can because we’re not running for office. Partisan politics aside, you have to admit the presidential campaigns have lowered the bar so low they would give even Shemika Charles of Buffalo a run for her money. Shemika is the world’s reigning limbo champion. (Thank you, Google!)
In 2010, she earned a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records having limboed under a bar resting on two beer bottles — that’s 8.5 inches. And just last year, she became the first person to limbo under an SUV. If only our politicians could exhibit that kind of flexibility we wouldn’t find ourselves in this mess.
Because my monthly column is being published prior to next Tuesday’s election, I normally would have to wait until December to offer my post-election assessment. But with so much at stake, that delay is unacceptable. So I’m left with no other choice but to make stuff up ahead of time. And that’s not as easy as it sounds. I mean how many times did you hear wild and crazy stories about both major party nominees and say to yourself, “You can’t make this stuff up!” See, my job is harder than it looks.
That being said, I offer you a peek into the future and a look at how a victory for either candidate might be written.
Donald Trump Wins!
Donald Trump has been elected the 45th president of the United States and, in doing so, our nation has, for the second consecutive time, elected a man of color — one black and one orange.
Trump was sworn in with his daughter, Ivanka, by his side, filling in for her most recent stepmother, Melania, who filed for divorce on election eve.
Upon placing his right hand on the Bible at the swearing-in ceremony — the Bible burst into flames. While some are calling it Divine intervention, Trump proclaimed, “Believe me, the Bible was rigged to catch on fire and that’s fine because the whole Bible story is a disaster anyway. And nobody knows religion better than me. Believe me. I know God, and he would tell you that had I been in charge, I’d have created the world in five days. Go ahead — ask Him.”
The ceremony ended abruptly after President Trump “allegedly” groped Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
Hillary Clinton Wins!
Hillary Clinton has been elected the 45th president of the U.S. and, in doing so, becomes our nation’s first female president! Clinton was sworn in with her daughter, Chelsea, by her side,who filled in for her father, from whom Hillary filed for divorce as soon as she secured enough electoral votes to win. However, in an act of conciliation, she permitted Bill to attend the ceremony with his latest girlfriend … whom he’s never had relations with.
In a break with tradition, Chief Justice John Roberts allowed the former senator to read the oath of office off her Blackberry. The historic phone was immediately sent over to the Smithsonian, which later reported the oath had mysteriously been deleted. Fortunately, WikiLeaks announced it will email a copy of the oath to the museum just as soon as they can get it from some IT guy in Russia.
So, there you have it. This time next week we’ll have one new president and most likely one new contestant on next season’s Dancing with the Stars. In the meantime, only 1,470 days until the 2020 election! God Bless America and … may God help us all!
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, emcee and guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM 760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and “Like” Al on Facebook.