Tired of all the crazy news making headlines today? You haven’t seen nothin’ yet!
Let’s jump ahead 1,000 years to see what 3017 has in store for us in a feature I call Tomorrow’s News Today.
It took centuries of negotiating, but Democrats and Republicans have finally agreed to a bipartisan healthcare bill that will provide inexpensive coverage to everyone — except if you’re a politician; which under the new law is considered a pre-existing condition.
And in an ironic turn of events, on the same day the new healthcare plan was unveiled, the Federal Drug Administration rocked the world of medicine by announcing the immediate availability of a cheap, super drug that researchers say will prevent and cure every known medical malady, thus eliminating the need for healthcare. Go figure!
Meanwhile, the FDA added that the new super drug could conceivably allow people to live forever. Upon hearing that news, lawmakers amended the one-day-old 3017 healthcare program to allow children to stay on their parent’s insurance until they turn 826.
In other government news … The Federal Communications Commission has issued a new regulation limiting news shows to a maximum of 30 experts talking over each other during a one-hour program. The new rule also prohibits consecutive programs from talking about the same topics ad nauseam.
Meanwhile, grocery shoppers have reason to celebrate. The National Grocers Association has announced that by 3018 it will be mandatory for all supermarket produce departments to offer plastic bags that take less than two minutes to open.
Back to political news … After being cryogenically frozen for the last 900-plus years, Hillary Clinton was thawed out today, where upon she announced she’ll run for president in 3020. Her opponents are already making Hillary’s age an issue, claiming the former senator will be 1,069 years old in October. But Clinton’s camp maintains that a defrosted Hillary is “technically” the same age as the day she was frozen.
Asked if her husband, Bill, will also be thawed, Mrs. Clinton reminded the press that “Bill was not cryogenically frozen but, quite the contrary, is actually residing in a much hotter location.”
By coincidence, a cryogenically frozen Prince Charles has also been thawed. However, upon awakening, “the man who would be king” had another “meltdown” of sorts when he learned that his mother, Queen Elizabeth, was still alive and well and on the throne; which is a Guinness World Record in two categories.
In consumer news … There were celebrations across the country today as people who have lost one shoe on a highway over the past 50 years learned they will be reunited with their missing shoe. Kudos to the world’s shoe manufacturers who began implanting identification chips in their footwear over a half century ago, but only today activated the technology. Gym shoe, work boot and flip-flop wearers from coast to coast have been seen hopping up and down on one foot in celebration. Though the big news was little consolation for those millions of Americans who are still missing one sock.
Finally, in the biggest space news since the moon landing, NASA has confirmed the arrival of our first visitors from outer space. The flying saucer, which landed in Roswell, N.M., was greeted by thousands of nerdy UFO researchers screaming “I told you so!” The interplanetary guests announced their primary mission was to bring Donald Trump back to his home planet. (Hey, don’t forget I did a Hillary joke earlier.)
That’s Tomorrow’s News Today. And remember, you can’t spell “Alien” without “Al.”