man hands trapped and wrapped on wrists with mobile phone cable as handcuffs in smart phone networking and communication technology addiction concept

Happy New Year! 2018? Really?! I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that on Feb. 24 it will be a half-century since little Alan Muskovitz became a bar mitzvah at Adat Shalom Synagogue on Curtis Avenue in Detroit. And can you believe on Oct. 10 it will be half-century since our ’68 Tigers won the World Series?! And just think, only 39 years from now, we’ll be able to look back and say it’s been 100 years since our Lions won a championship.

But it’s a new year; a time to look forward not backward. A time to resolve to make this new year our best year yet. For a change, losing weight doesn’t have to be one of my resolutions. I’ve finally gotten below 200 lbs. It’s been years, but my feet once again get wet while standing in the shower.

Since I left morning radio nearly eight years ago — and the barrage of free food from sponsors — I’ve lost 50 pounds. Diet and exercise. Who knew? Now I no longer have to suffer the humiliation of being forced to stop at state of Michigan expressway weigh stations. However, I did not ring in this new year without resolving to make some other positive changes in my life.

First and foremost, I resolve to not be pathologically attached to my cell phone. It’s not going to be easy. If you’re like me, and I pray you’re not on so many levels, I find it virtually impossible to move from one room of my house to another without my cell phone in hand. God forbid I should miss a call while in the bathroom. Even worse, God forbid you’re the one on the other end of the line when I answer from my bathroom.

I fully admit I’m obsessed with accepting every phone call that comes in. Not recognizing a phone number only makes my obsession worse. Invariably, those unidentified calls end up being someone telling me that “nothing is wrong with my current credit card” or I’ve “just won a free cruise.” And when I do miss a call, I’ll either call it back or look the number up on the internet. I … must … know … who … called me!

Then there’s that panic when I can’t find my cell phone. I search for it as if my life were on the line. It’s pathetic. And we’ve all done this — we call our “lost” cell phone from our landline in an effort to retrieve it.

Is there any better feeling than when you hear that distant muffled ring coming from between two cushions on your family room couch? But how many of you will admit to doing the following: During one search, I called my missing cell phone from our landline, found it and proceeded to answer it! I actually said “hello” to myself! It gets worse.

Another time I was on my cell phone with my sister when I had to admit to her the reason I was sounding distracted was because I was looking for … my cell phone! Which is not as bad as the time my cell phone rang and I put our television remote up to my ear to answer it.

You know, on second thought, I don’t need to make any resolutions. I just need to finally put myself on the brain donor list. A new year — a new brain! Even if it doesn’t resolve my problems, the procedure will at least help me reach my new health care plan’s gazillion dollar deductible.

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, emcee and guest host on the Mitch Album Show on WJR AM 760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and “Like” Al on Facebook.

Previous articleIssue of Jerusalem Front and Center at ZOA’s National Brandeis Dinner
Next articleDavidson Foundation Names New CEO
CircPro Account #: 1121, Pay Type: Free