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Shining the Light: Spotlight on Teen Mental Health logo

One of three essays from local teens dealing with mental health challenges.

A Dark And Scary Time

I faced — and am still facing — a long and dreadful battle of depression. It feels as if my life is consumed by it. The constant feeling of guilt, sadness, sorrow, gloom. All of it consumed me. Made me a bitter person. Made me someone I truly was not.

I became distant. Stopped responding to texts. Stopped answering calls. Stopped posting on social media. Stopped hanging out with friends. 
Started sleeping a lot. Eating a lot. Watching Netflix a lot. Crying a lot. Yelling a lot. 

It is a dark and scary time.

And what makes it worse is when nobody around you understands it. All everyone sees is the mask I put on every day at school. Nobody sees beneath it. Nobody sees the crushing pain.

“I could’ve easily said I quit.
I am not dealing with this anymore.
I’m done trying to live with a mind
that wants to die.”

I’ve seen four different therapists. Spent countless hours crying, sleeping and isolating myself. 

My self-esteem was at an all-time low. I hated myself for who I was, blamed my learning challenges for not being smart, compared myself to everyone around me, and I always managed to hide everything from everyone. So, what made me keep pushing through? What motivated me? I could’ve easily given up. Could’ve easily said I quit. I am not dealing with this anymore. I’m done trying to live with a mind that wants to die.I still face many of these battles, and they will always be a part of me. But I have learned how life is a privilege. When someone close to me died way too young, I started to rethink the meaning of life and the gift it is. In a matter of seconds, life can be taken away so easily. It’s terrifying. 

But a little fight was left in me. Life will get better. It’s just a moment in time. It will pass. 

Depression may continue to haunt me, but I am not letting it define me. I am stronger than it. 

“גם זה יעבור”

This too shall pass.

This anonymous essay is being shared with the JN by Friendship Circle.

Want to know how teens dealing with mental health challenges really feel? Read essays from teens in the community.

Here’s My Story – You Matter and Depression