Matt Patricia, Detroit Lions’ new head football coach.
Matt Patricia

Congratulations to former New England Patriot’s defensive coordinator Matt Patricia on being named the Detroit Lions’ new head football coach. Matt signed a five-year deal but said he won’t unpack his moving boxes until after his third year at the earliest.

Did you notice that Matt trimmed his massive beard down in time for his introductory press conference? I don’t know if he shaved to impress his new boss or he just didn’t want to be recognized as the guy who actually agreed to be the Lions’ new coach.

Sorry. I apologize for being sarcastic but that comes with being realistic when you’re a long-suffering Detroit Lions fan.

For example, I suggest Matt rent with an option to buy; that way he can avoid being stuck with a house to sell like his predecessor Jim Caldwell. Caldwell’s 8,566-square-foot home in Franklin is for sale for $2.499 million. The property is in good shape despite needing drywall repair to fill in the numerous holes where Caldwell banged his head against the wall.

Coach Patricia is already coming to Detroit under precarious circumstances. On his watch as defensive coordinator, the Patriot’s gave up 41 points in this year’s disappointing Super Bowl loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. That makes Patricia the first Lions’ head coach who had to explain a devastating loss before he even coached his first game. Then again, maybe that experience will help him in his Lions tenure.

Obviously, we all hope his Super Bowl experiences with the Patriots will rub off on our championship-deprived franchise. However, no matter how long Matt’s stay with the Honolulu Blue, his pockets will be lined with green. And as I’ve already implied, he may not have to stick around for the duration of his contract to earn it. Most make deals that include multi-million-dollar buyouts.

In 2005, former Lions’ head coach Steve Mariucci was fired midway through his third season of a guaranteed five-year, $25 million deal and walked away with a reported $10 mil. Actually, he probably didn’t walk away — most likely his chauffeur drove him.

According to USA Today sports, 12 colleges that fired their football coaches in 2017 found themselves on the hook for $70 million, proving agreeing to a lucrative college football coaching contract doesn’t take a college education.

Look, firing people from their jobs before their contractually agreed time is up because of poor job performance is the nature of many businesses. I only wish it worked that way in politics.

Elsewhere in sports, it appears South Korea did a fine job hosting the Winter Olympics although we could’ve done without seeing the sister of brutal North Korea dictator Kim Jong Un at the opening ceremonies. FYI … I’m looking into a rumor that the North Korean Olympic team tested positive for food.

And you can’t make this up … How do you write something humorous about a bronze-medal winning Russian curler who’s suspected of doping after failing a drug test? Say his career is going to be put on ice? Or the Russians will “sweep” this under the rug? No need. The story had me laughing at “a curler is suspected of doping.”

Finally, mazel tov to Israeli men’s figure skaters Alexei Bychenko and Daniel Samohin, finishing 10th and 11th place, respectively. Watching the Israeli team walk into the stadium during the outdoor opening ceremonies gave me a chill … literally. I thought the kids could’ve dressed a little warmer. Would it have been so hard to take an extra jacket? As my mother, of blessed memory, used to say, “You can always sit on it.”

Alan Muskovitz
Alan Muskovitz
Contributing Writer

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, emcee and guest host on the Mitch Album Show on WJR AM 760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and “Like” Al on Facebook.