Fergie and Alan
Fergie and Alan

Alan Muskovitz recalls his meeting with Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.

It’s official! The recounts are done, and it can now be certified that Dewey did defeat Truman! No word yet from the Dewey Campaign, but his brothers Huey and Louie are said to be ecstatic.

According to the Center for Responsive Politics — wait, really? There’s a center for “responsive” politics? Yes, there is, and according to their statistics, the combined spending for 2020 campaigns for the White House and congressional races will reach $14 billion.

So, for the sake of argument, let’s say that means roughly $7 billion was spent on losing. Amazing, but probably still less than the Lions have spent on losing since their last championship in 1957.

So that means $7 billion was spent on candidates that won’t even have a chance to get anything done. And I’m talking about the politicians who won.

As the mayhem that was this last election continues, I’m just happy I have a new diversion — watching Season 4 of the The Crown on Netflix!

Spoiler alert. This season spends a fair amount of time on the huge security breach at Buckingham Palace in 1982, where Brit citizen Michael Fagan scaled the palace walls and snuck into the Queen’s bedroom as she slept. Could’ve been worse — she could’ve been on the throne. (Easy, cheap laugh.) Fagan said the Queen was sleeping with her crown over her face. But that turned out to be her jeweled CPAP mask.

After years of being in and out of trouble with the law, Fagan, 72, still resides in London where, apparently, he’s survived a heart attack and a case of COVID. In our world of endless reality TV shows, wouldn’t you love to see a reunion between Fagan and the 94-year old Elizabeth on The Real Housewife/Queen of England?

How is it that I’m such an expert on all things royal? Well, my dear commoners, I actually had a very memorable encounter with a royal myself. Yep, thanks to Weight Watchers (WW) president and CEO Florine Mark, I got to meet and interview the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, divorced wife of Prince Andrew.

You may recall that “Fergie” was a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. In that capacity, she paid a visit to Florine’s WW headquarters in Farmington Hills in the late ’90s. I was an invited guest from the Dick Purtan Show, charged with conducting an interview between the Duchess, myself and Dick Purtan, who was on the phone live from our WOMC studios.
At first, I was suspicious of Florine’s motives. I thought it was a set up for a weight loss intervention for me. What ensued though was a fun, tongue-in-cheek exchange.

I told the Duchess that “I had a slight metabolic problem, a glandular problem” and had been told that “it’s impossible for me to lose weight.” I asked if there was something she could do to help somebody like me? Fergie replied: “Yes. Take them by the ear and put them into Weight Watchers and say, ‘Come on, this really can help.’” I informed her I had actually lost a little bit of weight recently, enough that: “I no longer have to stop at those truck weigh stations on the expressway.”

I went on to tell her that “I avoid exercise because it tires me out,” to which she chuckled and said: “Well you know that’s pretty funny because, in fact, my trainer says that the more you exercise, the more it gets you going. So maybe, Al, that’s a bit of a porkie pie.”
Porkie pie? Was that on the WW menu? Turns out “porkie pie” is cockney slang for “telling lies.”

Part of Fergie’s Motown itinerary included recognizing local people who had lost 100 pounds on WW. Already 50 pounds overweight myself, she didn’t go for my idea of putting on another 50 so I could one day join that elite group of 100-pound losers.

My guess at that point was Fergie didn’t need any convincing that I was already a “loser.”
Today, I think of Fergie every time I jump on my scale. I wait for the number … and then demand a recount.

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at amuskovitz@renmedia.us.

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