(iStock)

To cheer all of us up in Danny’s absence, here are some of his time-tested “Oldies but Goodies.”

The JN’s premier columnist, Danny Raskin, will take a few weeks off to recover from rib injuries suffered in a fall, so we’ll be offering highlights from Danny’s columns until his return. Danny is feeling much better. If you’d like to send greetings, email: dannyraskin2132@gmail.com or send mail to: Danny Raskin c/o The Jewish News, 32255 Northwestern Hwy., Suite 205, Farmington Hills, MI 48334.

To cheer all of us up in Danny’s absence, here are some of his time-tested “Oldies but Goodies.”

OLDIE BUT GOODIE “Hello, Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”

“You’re going out? With whom?”

“With a friend.”

Danny Raskin
Danny Raskin, Senior Columnist

“I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.”

“I didn’t leave him. He left me!”

“You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.”

“I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?”

“I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”

“There are lots of things that you did that I don’t.”

“What are you hinting at?”

“Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.”

“You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”

“My EX-husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!”

“So you’re going to sleep at this loser’s place?”

“He’s not a loser.”

“A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”

“I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the children or not?”

“Poor children with such a mother.”

“Such as what?”

“With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”

“ENOUGH!”

“Don’t scream at me. You’ll probably scream at this loser, too!”

“Now you’re worried about the loser?”

“Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.”

“Goodbye, Mother.”

“Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you going to bring the children over?”

“I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!”

“If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”

OLDIE BUT GOODIE Three grandmothers are sitting on a park bench. The first lets out a heartfelt “Oy!”

A few minutes later the second grandmother sighs deeply and says, “Oy vey!”

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!” 

To which the first grandma replies, “I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our grandchildren!”

OLDIE BUT GOODIE (revised for sports fans, a bit) … Joe was cleaning the attic and found a beautiful old lamp. As he rubbed off the dust, a genie popped out.

“Thank you for releasing me from this prison;’ said the genie. “To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish.”

“Wonderful,” said the surprised Joe. He reached for his Atlas and pointed to a map of Israel. 

“The people there have been fighting for as long as I can remember. My one wish is to bring peace to this land.”

“Um … that’s a little difficult …” stammered the genie. “These people … they’ve been … it goes back … Sorry, I’m afraid you’ll have to make another wish.”

“Too bad,” said Joe sadly. “Could you at least help the Detroit Lions win a couple more football games this year?”

The genie thought a moment, then opened his hand.

“Hmmm, let me see that map again …” 

OLDIE BUT GOODIE Jake says to his doctor, “Doctor, my wife needs an appendix operation.”

“But I took out your wife’s appendix only a year ago. I’ve never heard of a second appendix,” says the doctor.

“Maybe doctor,” says Jake, “but have you ever heard of a second wife?” 

Danny’s email address is dannyraskin2132@gmail.com.