Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (UAP) sightings occurred between 2004 and 2021.

On June 25, the U.S. government released the long anticipated unclassified report on unidentified flying objects (UFOs) or as the military officially refers to them — Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (UAP). You can go online and read the nine-page report for yourself from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI), which confirmed 144 different sightings. It’s provided in English, Spanish and Vulcan.

Alan Muskovitz
Alan Muskovitz
Contributing Writer

The sightings occurred between 2004 and 2021 and, as the report describes, the incidents fall into “five potential explanatory categories: airborne clutter, natural atmospheric phenomena, U.S. industry developmental programs, foreign adversary systems,” and what they literally are calling a catchall “other” bin. Ah, the always convenient, nondescript “other” bin. If that isn’t code for “they’re keeping something from us,” nothing is.

This report got me thinking. (Always a dangerous proposition.) If, in fact, these UAP are visitors from another world, they must certainly know by this intelligence report that we are finally on to them. And I believe they’re meeting as we speak to figure out what their next move will be and … it would sound something like this: 

We hear a gavel as Dork, the commander of the Alien Interplanetary Space Commission, calls the meeting to order. 

Dork: My fellow aliens, it appears that the cat is out of the bag. We have finally been discovered by the Earthlings. 

Zork: Commander Dork … 

Dork: Yes, Zork?

Zork: What is a cat and why was it in a bag?

Dork: “The cat is out of the bag” is an Earthling expression that means something is no longer a secret, namely our visits to Earth. A cat is a loving companion to humans found in 68% of U.S. households. To the remaining 32% of households, cats are annoying, selfish mammals with no redeeming value. 

Bork, I see you have three of your seven hands raised. Your question?

Bork: Is the rumor true that you’ve brought us together to announce we will return to planet Earth and finally reveal ourselves to its inhabitants?

Dork: Yes, that’s true. But how did you know that? That was top secret information. 

Bork: It’s posted on all our planet’s social media platforms. Speaking of which, Commander, I saw you updated your profile picture on your NoFacebook page (these aliens have no faces) … and may I say you look fantastic. (They also have eyes in the back of their three giant heads.) 

Dork: Thank you, Bork. That reminds me, thank you to the 3,210 of you who wished me a happy birthday on NoFacebook. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit behind on replying. OK, where was I?

Gork: You were confirming we will return to Earth and reveal ourselves in person to the humans.

Dork: Yes, thank you, Gork. OK, listen up. Our spaceships are scheduled to leave for Earth the day after tomorrow. You will be allowed only one carry-on. And as a token of our appreciation, you will all receive 30 lightyears in miles. (Cheers of approval.) Oh, and one other thing … you still have to wear masks. (Loud groans are heard) Any questions?

Fork: I have a question, Dork.

Dork: Yes, Fork?

Fork: Why are we returning to Earth again? Have you watched cable news? Do you see how these Earthlings behave? They’re nuts!

Dork: (Rolls the eyes in the back of his heads in disgust.) I know, I know, but if we don’t go now, we’ll lose the chance to win a million dollars by getting vaccinated. (Everyone acknowledges the point by nodding their giant heads in the affirmative.) OK, now who remembers what the two most important things are during our intergalactic journey? 

Pork: I know! I know! 

Dork: Yes, Pork? The two things?

Pork: Go to the bathroom before we leave for Earth and never ask “are we there yet?”

Dork: Bingo! Well done. Oh, one other thing. Anyone know why Cork didn’t shown up today?

York: I heard he was caught in a bottleneck.

Gork: Gotcha. Thanks, York. See everyone at the spaceship-port. Remember, we’ll meet at the Starbucks. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

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